Jesus Loves the Little Children: An Exposé

I was talking to a friend of mine recently when we somehow landed on the topic of Catholic symbolism, especially the representation of Christ. Actually, what we were really talking about was how he had never been in a Catholic church (I know!), and therefore never witnessed the sublime sexuality of Jesus’s abs and his coquettishly-hung loin cloth—which is the way life-size Jesus is depicted as he suffers on the cross in every Catholic church I’ve ever been inside of.

It’s always been interesting to me that this supposedly horrific event, which is also supposedly the greatest dispensation of holy grace ever, would be depicted with such raw sexuality, especially considering that this is something that, as far as I know (and, having gone to Catholic mass for at least 10 years of my life, I’m pretty sure) is never explicitly acknowledged by the church in its teachings. For a while I thought I was alone in thinking that crucifixion-Jesus is kind of hot, in a torture porn kind of way, but it turns out that everyone I talk to about this subject shares my perception. That loin cloth is hiding a massive snake—a kind of Satanic presence if you will, tempting the viewer to guess at what’s beneath it—and it’s totally hot.

But it didn’t occur to me until recently that the depiction of Jesus in the Christian tradition might shed some light on the appallingly widespread sexual abuse of children in the Catholic Church. Because, so what—Jesus looks hot as he is dying: that could make you gay, and possibly serve as an early introduction into the pleasures of auto-erotic asphyxiation, but not something that turns you into pedophile, right? But wait! Doesn’t Jesus also supposedly have a special relationship with the children? Perhaps even a peculiarly emphasized one?

Check it:

Jesus loves the little children. I can’t remember what I knew about Jesus or Christianity more generally before I knew this. And when I was younger (and still a believer), I did a paint-by-number that is still hanging in my old room (several states away, unfortunately, and therefore not available to be photographed) that essentially repeats the same strikingly sexualized scenes of Jesus “lov[ing]” the little children as what you’ll see below.

This next one is almost too pornographically obvious to even need the type of second look that this post is encouraging.

So, that little boy’s curved finger, hanging stiffly in his mouth (which, because he’s on his knees leaning over Jesus’s lap, is inches away from his crotch—the only thing closer to it is the boy’s right hand, which Jesus is gently directing towards his pleasure center) as he stares with rosy cheeks and intense eyes into Jesus’s relaxed face—that’s supposed to make us feel safe when we leave our children with the servants of Jesus? What message does that send to priests, who spend their lives pretending they don’t need to have sex? It’s not even barely sublimated sexual desire. In fact, I bet it was an artistic, and sexually-frustrated priest who came up with this one.

And this one, too:

Nice ass, kid. I “love” you, no homo. Time to find out what’s hidden beneath the ample folds of my robes. And the reason I think that a pedophilic priest must have come up with both of these is that—even more obviously in this one—the children (naked and clothed—which raises the question: why are some naked, some clothed?) are literally throwing themselves (or being thrown) at Jesus; one groupie/child even has to be restrained. It’s like the Beatles with women, only with Jesus and children.

Catholic Priest: No, I’m not Jesus per se, but I know him better than most people. Do you want to come up to my room?

This next one is ingenious because it coerces the child to play along, and buy into the acceptability of these sexual episodes.

I found it on a website that had a whole bunch of “Jesus coloring book” images free for download. As your child colors it in—or fills in the paint-by-number blobs, as in my case—he comes to accept that it’s ok for a little boy (hey, and his sister) to stand with his face close enough to Jesus’s crotch for him to reach out with his hands, place them on top of his and his sister’s head, and pull them in closer (like the girl’s face towards the flower).

I just love the faces worn by Jesus and the girl in this next one.

His face says: Shit, you caught me—but it’s cool, because I’m holy, right? (as he slowly backs away)

Her face says: What? You knew I wanted it, and so did he. (Those are her parents in the background, looking on approvingly.)

And, finally, this last image needs no explanation whatsoever.

So, basically what I’m saying is that we all need to stop being surprised that pedophilia is a transcontinental problem in the Catholic Church. The imagery of Jesus has been blowing that whistle for a while now. We just need to become better readers of the world we live in—barely better. Because, seriously, how could you miss the pedophilia in these images? No, seriously—how could you? To my eye, it’s so obvious that it overwhelms the primary meaning, so that “Jesus loves the little children” becomes “Jesus loves the little children” almost without any possibility of alternative interpretation. The meaning has been totalized by the in-plain-sight sexual misconduct.

If you are turned on right now, you are going to jail.