Ear Jizz

Let me begin by saying that you probably shouldn’t read this (it may actually be illegal in some states). And, just in case the title doesn’t give it away, this post is in no fucking way safe for work. Unless you happen to work in the porn industry. But, even there, as will soon become clear, what I have to say might be considered unacceptably shocking. In that way I guess you might say that the theme of this work, not unlike the theme of The Matrix movies, is to Free Your Mind. Popularly speaking, we tend to think of the goal of freedom as one that is reached only with significant, if noble, sacrifice. Any vaguely-jingoistic truck commercial will tell you as much. So will The Matrix movies, which imply that freeing your mind requires giving up the taste of yummy steak.

Oh, and also you have to completely give in to brain-in-a-vat skepticism.[1] But I digress. Because, the point I really want to make has to do with a different kind of sacrifice, for a different kind of freedom of mind. This sacrifice involves giving your ear over to (possible) infection.

The freedom? I don’t think any of us are ready yet.

Before we get to that, though, we need to talk about some things we already know—about the porn industry. I’m no expert, but it seems fairly uncontroversial to say that the porn industry has been so successful because it manages to enticingly film basically every perversion there is or even could be—ranging from the vanilla to the socially destructive. Everyone is perverse in some way, and, in whatever way you happen to be perverted, there very likely exists a massive catalogue of pornography suited especially to your needs. To many, that’s one of the true pleasures of modern existence.

Here, in no particular order, is a list of things that the pornography industry regularly depicts:

Straight Fucking

Gay Fucking

Animal fucking

Vegetable Fucking

Fat people fucking

Old people fucking

Virgin fucking

18-year old fucking

Mother fucking (as in MILFs, but also as in fucking your own mother, and other forms of incest)

All forms of specific ethnicity fucking (Asian, Hispanic, Black—though never, as far as I can tell, specifically white fucking)

Fantasies of fucking celebrities (or their closest porn lookalikes), or of fucking characters from popular movies (like when The Blair Witch Project became The Bare Wench Project—I’ve even seen The Simpsons and Family Guy fucking)

Themes such as: office fucking (to get a job, or to give a job[2]); school fucking (sometimes to get a better grade, sometimes just because the teacher has been seduced); car fucking (sometimes while the car is moving); cheating (on your wife, or with your best friend’s husband) and other rule-breaking fucks (fucking your sister’s friend); fucking strangers from the street who just need a ride but who also happen to be horny; secret fucking (one of the fuckers is asleep; sometimes they wake up); public fucking (sometimes in crowded spaces, sometimes in private public spaces, such as a dressing room); and so on.

I guarantee you I haven’t even begun to unpack to Thanksgiving-like cornucopia of pornographic variety that the porn industry has not only introduced, but also to a certain extent made acceptable, in our culture. We can debate about the social merit of this. My own position tends moderately to endorse porn and its social influence, going on the assumption that socially legislating proper sexual desire is fucking awful, and none of your god-damned business. That’s obviously just one side of it, though, and it’s not hard to imagine that the life of porn-performers is grittier than you might think (though, if you happen to be an alarmist, it might be less objectionable than you think).

In my own personal experience, both as an observer and as a participant, discussions of porn in America today rarely veer far from debating its social merit. Obviously that’s an important discussion to have, especially considering how quickly porn became an almost omnipresent part of social life. My interest, though, is a bit different. I just want to ask you one question:

Since it’s obvious that the porn industry is interested in showing people fucking in every possible position, in every possible location, in every conceivable (or at least legal) circumstance; and since it’s equally obvious that the porn industry, in an effort not only to capitalize on novel perversions as they emerge but also perhaps to inaugurate new ones, has been endlessly inventive about what they film and the manner in which they film it; and since this inventiveness has led porn directors to instruct their performers to aim their projectile sex juices not just at body parts but also at things like plates, martini glasses, onto the camera itself, the floor, into condoms that are then frozen and used as jizz-popsicle dildos, and so on; I say, given all this almost mathematically exhaustive variety in pornography, I have but one question:

How come you never see dudes jizzing into ears?

The answer, almost too obvious even to write, seems to be: because it’s gross. Yes, that’s right, but why is the ear canal where we draw the line? There doesn’t seem to be any other part of the body that is so rigorously excluded from the sexual gaze. Is it just that we haven’t yet embraced the perverse pleasure of the ear canal, or is it that we can’t embrace it—that somehow our psycho-cultural logic of sexuality, regardless of the seemingly endless variety of perversion that it readily acknowledges (or represses), works itself out such that we just can’t think of the notion of ear jizz as anything but what it manifestly is (that is, gross)? Think about it: we have porn that films things so inappropriate that society has responded by making it illegal (underage fucking, death fucking). We haven’t even gotten to the point where society could form a reaction to ear jizzing. In fact, it’s so completely off of the radar of everyone in the entire fucking porn industry (and the world) that when I google “ear jizz” I don’t get a single relevant hit.[3] What is going on here, people?? Doesn’t this call for an explanation?[4]

For me, I am capable of acknowledging that my preference not to see ear jizz is in one way or another ideologically determined. And yet, this ideological force seems to be so deeply embedded within a network of other beliefs that I take to be essential components of myself that I don’t even want to want to free my mind. Because it’s hard to think of a collective awakening into the sexiness of ear jizz as anything but an unpleasant state of enlightenment. To use a turn of phrase often in the mouths of conservative pundits and their peons[5] when opposing things like gay marriage: if we were to start desiring ear jizz, I think it might severely tear the very fabric of society. (And that shit is so hard to sew back up.)

And yet, I can’t help but wonder: what would happen if some upstart pornographer tried to sexualize (read: revolutionize) the ear canal? Would it work? Or would this disappointingly short-lived movement be remembered only by that time that there was a sudden uptick in ear infections across the porn industry? But, even then, who might (at first, perhaps, accidentally) consume the revolutionary material, and what seeds of perversion might be planted for the future generations? Are there people out there whose minds might yet be freed? I for one know that I am a lost cause. Whatever progress I might make towards enlightenment has been predetermined against the ear-jizz revolution. Obviously this revolution is not impending: as far as I can tell I’m the first person to think it might be necessary to complete the unfinished project of modernity. And, we don’t exactly see people taking to the streets to express exasperation and rage that their perversions are not being accommodated by the porn industry. For now, that is. There will always be “tomorrow, and tomorrow, and tomorrow.” Until then, I bid you good day sir.

I said good day.

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[1] Although, now that I’m thinking about it, doesn’t it seem like after you stop believing in one form of reality that appears to be stable and real, that it would be pretty hard to just casually start believing in another form of reality that appears to be stable and real? I mean, once you’ve been convinced to the point that you no longer believe the world before your eyes is actually real, even though it continues invariably to present itself as if it were real, how could you ever believe that you’ve now awoken into the real real world? After all, the basic laws of physics, rules governing human social interactions, and even languages are the same in both worlds—wouldn’t a true sacrifice to skepticism involve awaking into something much more alien? To be always just waking up?

[2] For the first time in my life, I can’t tell whether the pun is intended here.

[3] “Relevant hit” defined as either (a) a depiction of ear jizzing, or (b) a sincere expression of desire to see ear jizzing. You do get a few casual jokey hits from Myspace or Facebook pages, as well as spam bots that specialize in putting together combinations of pornographic words in the hopes, I guess, that you’ll click on them and get a virus (to be honest I’ve never really been sure about how those things work). Though, interestingly there is an earjizz.com domain name that has been registered for 3 years, but there is no content on the website. Someone is anticipating the coming revolution, apparently. The oppressed may yet rise up.

[4] If I had press credentials I’d be making calls to leading pornographers to get their comments. Unfortunately, I don’t think the writer of a 2-week old blog merits comment from actual public figures.

[5] Or “ditto heads” as Rush Limbaugh’s followers gleefully call themselves.